HOST: Please welcome to the stage, Caitlin Lee.
Oh, my! Um...
I just want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
I really didn't expect to win, so I haven't prepared anything.
I can't believe they gave it to that cunt.
Okay people are still looking at you. Just breathe.
Okay, she's making a joke.
(FAKE LAUGHTER)
Oh.
She's talking about her mother.
CAITLIN: ...In fact, I'd like to thank all mothers.
The cameras are on you. Keep smiling.
CAITLIN: You are an inspiration. You are life.
And clap.
CAITLIN: You are the world.
(APPLAUSE)
Stand.
Really?
Stand.
CAITLIN: Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Jesus Christ, how many cocks did she eat to bag that one?
Talentless little scrunt.
FML. I need some fucking...
Chang.
Thank you. (CLEARS THROAT)
Oh, God! Oh, I'm so sorry. Alexa.
This totally belongs to you.
Oh, God, no, no, no, no. The best woman won.
I'm just honored to be mentioned in the same breath as those incredible women.
Do you want to hold it?
Caitlin! Well done!
I'm just gonna do a wee. I'll touch it later.
(CHUCKLES)
EVE: Well played, sir.
I can't tell when they're worse. When they win or when they lose.
Win definitely. It makes them feel invincible.
I remember when Jimmy won a BAFTA.
He made me order him nine prostitutes, none of which he consummated. Naturally.
Goosed Sir Ian Mckellen, got arrested for banging on the wall of KFC
with his statuette at 5:00 am, demanding they make him a family bucket.
Awards should just stop after sports day.
You shouldn't get a gold statue for doing your job.
I spent my afternoon doing her bikini line,
because she's too shy to get her muff out in front of strangers.
Where's my gold star?
Ladies.
So sad to see Alexa miss out.
Anything she'd like to say about the winner?
She felt it was well deserved. And she was just happy to be nominated.
'Course she was. Maybe I'll catch her in the toilets later.
Right, well I'm off to the bar.
Apparently, Sherzinger is on her fifth Caipirinha. And is getting chatty.
Enjoy your night.
I don't know why they let her kind in. They're like Vultures.
Stalking in to peck on the carrion. What happened to them as children?
All they do is bitch.
All right, hungry hippo, save some calories for the champagne.
Okay. I better go make sure Lex is not snorting herself into oblivion.
Cool. I'm gonna see how many goody bags I can smuggle.
You. You're with me.
Bag the candles and the cosmetics.
Bin the mints and programs. Dead weight.
Subtitles by explosiveskull
SAM: This is nice.
Finishing work at the same time for a change.
Romantic dinner for two.
Hey.
I was listening to a podcast about those the other day.
Did you know that they're made from mechanically Separated chicken?
Mmm-hmm.
Basically, the entire chicken is smashed and pressed through a sieve.
Eyes, bones, guts, all that nasty, manky stuff.
And it comes out as this pink, meaty jelly.
That they shape into nuggets.
You're an asshole.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, my God, we had this old boy in today, right?
So, I don't know if this guy had a really long body, or was just wearing a ladies gown, right?
But Ravi is trying to give this guy the results of his test, okay?
And as he's talking to him, all you can see are these ancient, beige bollocks,
dangling down the bottom of his gown like a hypnotist's watch
(LAUGHS) Ugh.
And Ravi, right, he's proper trying to give this guy some serious news, but...
The more agitated the bloke got, the more they seemed to jiggle up and down!
I swear, it was like a newton's cradle
(GIGGLES)
- Mmm! - What?
It's nice seeing you laugh, that's all.
I laugh all the time.
You fake laugh. You work laugh.
(EXAGGERATED FAKE LAUGH)
Not the real one. The piggy, snorty one.
- Piss off. - That's the one I like!
That's my Robyn laugh.
You okay?
Yeah.
Feels like you've been a bit out of sauce, lately.
Sorts.
Hmm?
Out of sorts, not out of sauce. That doesn't make any sense.
It makes perfect sense. I'd be miserable if I was out of sauce.
So, um, I was reading this thing earlier, right?
And it said if you're trying for a baby, you should avoid certain fish.
Because of the mercury. Apparently it bio-accumulates in large predators.
Do we have to talk about this right now?
I was just making conversation.
Well, make different conversation.
- (SCOFFS) Okay. - Well, it's like 4:00 in the morning.
Well, I thought you might be interested.
In bio-accumulation?
Why not?
I'm off drugs, I'm off booze, and now you don't want me to eat fish?
When do you eat fish anyway?
That's not the point.
Then what is the point?
It's you wanting to...
It's not about what I want, is it?
- Isn't it? - See, I was under the impression it's what we both want.
Me. Not having control over my own body.
No!
Us having a fucking baby.
- I'm too tired for this crap. - (CELL PHONE RINGING)
Uh, Rob.
Wh... Who is that?
Work. I gotta go.
Are you... Come on. What, now?
Yeah.
Rob! Rob!
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
(PANTING)
Come on, Lumpy.
- Morning, Robyn. - Hi.
I made you a cup of tea.
And, um, there's toast. And I can't remember if you eat bread or not.
Thank's for letting me stay.
Oh, no, don't be silly. I've locked myself out of my flat, like, hundreds of times.
It's just really nice having you here. Oh, gosh! We can get the bus together.
ROBYN: Are those your folks?
Um, yeah. I hate that photo.
They look really proud.
Um, I... I heard about what happened with your mum.
I'm really sorry.
Is your dad still...?
I haven't spoken to my dad in maybe... 13 years?
Why not?
He had an affair. We hated him for it.
Now I kinda get it, to be honest.
He put up with my mom's shit for years.
Didn't say a single word.
Just got his head down, worked his ass off, provided.
But eventually someone's gonna break, right?
Mm. Maybe you should call him.
Is that...?
Um... Um... That's Simon. My cousin.
(STUTTERS) It's my dad's brother's friend's...
Kid.
Your cousin looks a lot like Your boyfriend Craig from work.
(ALARM BEEPING)
- The toast is burning. - Hmm?
Oh! Oh, balls!
I'll get you a coffee. Eve, do you want one?
Coconut flat white?
Oh, and Robyn, if you need to stay another night, that's fine.
My flatmate's away till Saturday, and she's totally cool with me having friends over.
Thanks, hon.
Did I miss a sleepover?
I locked myself out of my flat.
'Course you did. Trouble at the mill?
Of course not.
What could possibly be wrong with my perfect life?
Babe... Life is a bag of dicks.
You spend half the time looking for someone to share it with
and the other half trying to escape them.
We're not built for it. We're solitary creatures.
Like tigers. Or honey-badgers.
What the fuck is a honey-badger?
(PHONE RINGS)
Who's that?
You guys...?
Oh. (SCOFFS) I don't know.
A couple of times.
A couple?
Well, you kept that one quiet.
It's nothing, you know. Just getting my dick wet.
Oh, my God, are you talking about Tom?
It is so cute. He is adorable.
He called her the other day just to...
All right, Pride and Prejudice. Let's all get a grip. These things happen.
We all need to fill our vaginas from time to time. It's nothing to get excited about.
It's not gonna last anyway.
The problem is I get such a chubby when he tells me off,
that that means I'm spending the whole time provoking him into a rage.
Which I'm sure he'll grow bored of eventually.
(GASPS) Oh, crap!
EVE: What?
- CAROLINE: Robyn? - Yep! Just saw it.
I want to know who got the picture, where else it's printed,
and why none of the supposedly capable grown-ups who work in this office knew about it.
And then I want to fire someone.
I don't care who it is. Fight it amongst yourselves.
Put your names in a hat, gang up against the weakest.
Just clear out a desk by the end of today.
You and you should already be in a taxi.
And take Whingy McCranky with you.
She means you.
BROOKE: I'm not having one little tuck ruin everything.
This cannot happen.
I have a book launch in three weeks.
Do you know what the advance was on that?
If I don't recoup...
(WINCES)
Not to mention, I...
Garnier deal!
I am supposed to be the face of their age-defying serum.
And I have already spent the money
on a traditional Finnish hot tub.
Darling, they might know the process to...
I'm not giving up on that fucking hot tub, Jeremy.
There's no dodging this.
The picture's out there. Our dicks are in the wind.
We just need to move forward
and come up with a workable solution.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
I'll make tea. What does everybody want?
I have Lapsang, Bombay chai, vanilla bean.
What about just coming clean?
The name of Brooke's blog is untouched.
If people find out she's as pumped full of toxins
as the rest of us, she's fucked.
No offence, B.
What's it like under there?
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Can't we just deny it? Say it wasn't me?
Who's gonna issue the denial?
Look at you. You look like the Invisible Man.
I could post something online,
I'll just say that I'm in Botswana
filming a documentary about monkeys or something.
Yeah, now, you're thinking of Borneo there, sweetheart?
Brooke, you write a daily blog, you're a dropped pin.
Jennifer Aniston had a nose job to fix her sinus issues.
There was a girl at my school with similar sinus issues.
She's got lovely little button sinuses now.
Whatever we say, people are gonna know it's bullshit,
so we at least need to stick it on the blender and give them a straw.
(CUPS CLATTERING)
- You fucking tit. - So sorry. So sorry.
Just get a towel before it stains my leather. Jesus.
It's like being married to a scarecrow with learning disabilities.
I think there might be something.
But I would never do that.
I... I... I don't have that in me.
Of course, you do, darling.
Look, we'll say it was a heated exchange,
you'll accept a police caution and it won't go on your record.
Brooke plays the dignified victim.
You apologize, you enroll yourself in rehab...
One with a nice golf course.
And then out you come clean as a whistle.
Everyone loves a reformed character.
You could write that book.
That one that you've always talked about.
The one about the Vikings.
What about our friends?
I couldn't bear it if they ever thought that I would hurt you.
They'd understand.
EVE: I'll be honest with you, Jeremy.
I think this would do you good.
- Give you an edge. - An edge?
This is my career. Just...
What about...
What about my career?
You teach English to six-year-olds.
You're hardly Elon Musk.
My point is...
What kind of example does that set?
Come on, Jer, this is an inner city state school.
It's not as if those kids wouldn't have seen someone beat up their wife before.
What about Tim and Rebecca? Hmm?
They have a tough enough time at school as it is.
They'll have an even tougher time if we'd have to take them
out of that school because we can't afford the fees.
Or maybe you think we should just enroll them
into your school with all the Polish kids.
What is wrong with Polish kids?
Look, I know this seems bad, but any other excuse
and the journalists, they can see straight through it,
and they will tear her apart.
Don't get me wrong. They're gonna... This is bollocks, too.
But what can they do?
They can't exactly accuse a woman
who's just been beaten up by her husband
of lying, can they?
(SARCASTICALLY) Oh, no. Who would do a thing like that?
Which is exactly why it's such a clever idea.
(SOBS) Sorry.
Sorry, it's just...
People will think I'm such a fucking hypocrite.
(SNIFFLING)
Jeremy... It's the lies that make a relationship work.
Not the truth.
Or we can take the hit.
See where the chips fall.
I can call the hot tub people right now
and see if they can stop the payment.
- (CAMERAS CLICKING) -I regret to admit that I have been drinking,
and I struck Brooke with an open palm.
It is something I'm bitterly ashamed of and I'm committed
to getting help for my alcohol and anger issues...
Words cannot express how sorry and saddened I am
over what transpired.
I'm seeking the counseling of my therapist,
my mother and other loved ones, and I am committed with...
Not getting involved in the bug fight?
I got someone filming it.
Sure I can guess the gist.
Very clever. How the hell did you get to go along with that?
Threatened to take away their toys.
Is she crying?
Or is that smile?
...from the bottom of my heart...
I call it solemn poise.
WOMAN: Why do you do it?
Let these people get away with whatever they like?
I'm helping them.
Oh, really? You think this is helping anyone?
You do what you do
for the same reason I do what I do...
Power.
You like controlling the agenda.
You look tired.
- Sweet of you to say it. - I'm serious.
I know how hard you can go, Rob.
Just be careful you don't run out of track.
Thanks for your concern.
You really hate yourself around me, don't you?
Anyway, kudos.
Call me if she's giving interview you as well.
Just call me.
Right. Let's get fucked with fizz and oysters.
I'm buying.
I should probably go home
and smooth things out with the missus.
Wow. That sounds exciting. Can I come too?
Or we do what I said.
Tom's coming out. He'd love to see you.
What's up with your new BFF?
Ask her.
- You coming? - Hmm?
There are four rules in this business.
And one of them is never turn down a free drink.
- What are the other three? - I forget.
- Why are you sulking? - I'm not sulking.
You're definitely sulking.
I'm not sulking.
Fair enough.
Today was weird.
There's one thing all human beings share,
and that is the capacity to disappoint.
- Do you wanna stay here? - Absolutely.
Then you need to give fewer fucks.
Look, I know you don't like me but you like Robyn.
And you know why she's as good as she is?
'Cause under everything, she's granite.
It's a game, babe. Beat the dots.
Dodge the ghosts.
All right.
Let's go.
- Well... - What?
You're coming to get drunk with us or not?
Okay.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
All right there, Billy?
Ladies, nice to see you all.
Nice to see you.
MELODY: Oh, my God, you guys are so cute!
If you ever call me cute again,
I will punch you so hard in the vagina,
I'll turn you into a glove puppet.
- God! Look out. - MELODY: What?
EVE: Chess club.
I'm amazed they're even allowed in here.
TOM: Don't be a bitch.
There should be segregated drinking areas.
Like a, sort of, social awkwardness Apartheid.
The fuck is he doing?
He's actually coming over here.
This is your fault. You're like the gateway drug.
- Eve! - Hey.
Didn't know you guys drank in here.
Why would you know that?
- Hello, mate. I'm Tom. - Hi, Tom. I'm Craig.
- I'm Melody's boyfriend. - My, um...
- My printers not working. - Huh?
I still can't print anything from my computer at the office.
Oh, okay. I'll take a look tomorrow.
Hey, we're all out for Pilko's leaving drinks.
You should... You should come say hi.
Who's Pilko?
Uh, Chris Pilkenson.
Does all your network security.
Big guy, lots of hair, looks like a wildling.
Oh, right. Chris. Great.
Um... Well, you send him our regards
- and we'll try and pop by in a bit to say hi. - (SCOFFS)
You want to meet up later?
- Don't think I'll be long with these guys. - No. Um, I can't.
Um, we're going to this other place
after this and it's got a guest list. So...
Right.
Well, it was nice seeing you guys.
Nice to meet you, Craig.
I think someone's got an admirer.
No, he just helps with my computer that's all.
That's your problem right there.
You mustn't engage.
It's why you don't feed pigeons.
You're a bag of charms tonight, ain't ya?
Oh, come on.
Nobody wanted to talk to "Craig."
(CHUCKLES) You are just all too polite to do anything about it.
That's why you like hanging out with me. I'm honest.
And I don't want to waste
what little time I have left on this godforsaken planet
making small talk at Pilko's leaving do.
Amazing.
- Is it a class thing or... - Oh, don't be dull.
You just assume everything I say is about class
because I know how to ride a horse.
I go out with you, don't I?
What? What's that supposed to mean?
Class is only an issue for those who don't have it.
I just don't like boring people.
Right. I am going to the bar.
Good idea. I'll come too.
Vino all around, yeah?
- Hmm. - Except you, obvious. I'll get you a juice.
Or a milk. Or whatever it is you people drink.
Stop showing off in front of your friends.
- Get me a lime and soda. - Yes, Daddy.
That fucking girl
drives me nuts.
- You drinking? - Occasionally.
I'm rubbish. Sorry.
Oh, don't be silly. I don't care.
I mean, I don't mean "I don't care" but...
You know what I mean.
Is that why you stopped coming to meetings?
It's been a bit hectic.
And, um, going good between the two of you?
(CHUCKLES)
Well, we're either fucking or we're fighting.
Which Eve assures me is better than being boring.
It's weird.
What is?
You know.
What?
Just...
- You two. - Oh.
It's not that weird, is it?
(CELL VIBRATING)
Do you need to get that?
Do you want to go somewhere?
What do you mean?
We could just go somewhere, you and me.
Right now.
(CHUCKLES)
(WHISPERING) What, up and leave?
- Wow. No, I'm... I'm sorry. - No, no, no, no...
- I'm so sorry. - No, don't go.
I have to go.
- MELODY: Hey! - EVE: Where do you think you're going?
I have to go. Uh, um, emergency at home.
I'm so sorry. I love you.
Looks like I'll be getting smashed then.
Thank you.
CRAIG: (THROUGH PHONE) Hello?
Hi, it's me.
Um. I'm really sorry if that was weird just now.
- It's just... - It's fine. I get it.
Don't be like that.
I'm not being like anything.
Maybe I could see you later? You could come to mine.
Melody, It's okay.
You don't need to talk about it...
- Hiya! - Yeah.
I'm still okay to stay at yours tonight, right?
Um...
- CRAIG: Hello? - Uh, yeah. Hold on.
Hiya! Um, look I just can't speak right now.
Um, gonna speak to you tomorrow, okay?
- Take care. - Melody...
Yes. That's fine.
What? Do you want to go now?
Oh, I thought we could just leave them to it.
Okay. Sure.
(TRAIN CHUGGING)
(LINE RINGING)
CLARA: (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) This is Clara. Here's my beep.
(BEEPS)
(LINE RINGING)
This is Clara. Here's my beep.
(BEEPS)
(LINE RINGING)
This is Clara. Here's my beep.
(BEEPS)
(LINE RINGING)
SAM: Hello.
It's me.
Hello you.
Where the fuck are you?
Work?
(CHUCKLES) Work.
What time is it?
You can't just disappear anymore, Robyn. We're not kids.
I know.
So, what's going on? Where are you?
Oh, shit.
Hello.
Baby, go back to sleep.
I'll see you tonight.
Excuse me, sir. Can I...
Christ! I'm hungover. I feel like a rugby team took a dump in my mouth.
ROBYN: Lou Moore.
EVE: What about her?
Turns out she is a patron for a domestic violence charity
and she has decided to use her column to urge Brooke Lovewells
to set an example for abused women everywhere.
What does she mean, "set an example?"
She means, that as a woman in the public eye
Brooke shouldn't be standing by her abusive husband.
She should be divorcing the bastard and pressing charges.
- We can bury this. - No.
We can't. Hashtag DivorceTheBastard is already trending.
Well, can't we come back with something about the values of marriage or forgiveness?
The male would jump on that, wouldn't they?
No one is going to go against her on this.
She got the moral fucking high ground.
It's like telling a cancer victim that short hair doesn't suit them.
- Damn it. - (TABLE THUDS)
EVE: All right, we'll fix it.
I should have seen this.
Don't worry.
(DRAWERS CLATTERING)
I'm gonna go to Brooke's.
You stay here, fight fires with Caroline.
Can't I go? I'm not sure I can manage Caroline on four hours sleep.
- Oh, you're here. - Eve will fill you in.
Coffee.
Lots of it.
(CLAMORING)
Let me through. Thank you.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Brooke!
Hon, it's Robyn. Let me in.
(CLAMORING CONTINUES)
What's going on?
They keep calling the house.
Jeremy's been getting death threats.
(STUTTERING) I'm sure there is nothing to worry about.
I know at least one of them is from that kid I told off for drawing dicks on his desk.
There's all this stuff being said about me online,
that I'm weak, that I'm a bad role model.
I thought this was supposed to make me look good.
Okay, look, it's fine.
We just stay calm and stick to our strategy.
What is our strategy?
We...
Okay, we're going to give them an exclusive.
An exclusive?
We're going to set the whole thing straight.
We'll say... We'll say...
Jeremy suffers from severe depression and mental health issues.
They're gonna love it.
I'm sorry, what?
We'll say it's an illness, and it got the better of him
but that you are determined to support him through it.
Hang on. Mental health issues?
The only way to beat the moral high ground is to get higher.
They're attacking you 'cause you attacked her,
but if you have mental health problems,
means they can't attack you anymore.
That makes sense. Does it?
(LINE RINGING)
Okay, we're going with mental illness for Jeremy.
Hang on, we haven't actually...
Confessional with Brooke. Who do we like, who can turn it around quickly?
I see where you're going, but it's a wasps' nest.
We're not exactly brimmimg with the options.
No one with an ounce of journalistic integrity is gonna touch that.
I don't need fucking integrity.
Robyn, are you okay?
It's fine.
(SIGHS)
- Thanks for the call. - My pleasure.
And we're going to be okay getting this out this afternoon.
- We already got them holding the page. - (PHONE RINGING)
And we're clear on the angle?
Yes? Long supportive relationship.
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
Jeremy's battle with mental illness,
his desire for help, redemption, hope...
Jesus, I'm sorry.
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
What?
No, Ruth... Ruth.
The asshole's been lying to me. He's out.
Whoa, slow down.
Calm, talk to me. What's going on?
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
He's been lying to me.
He lost his job 'cause of some complaint or something.
And he's been using our savings to keep us going.
We are nearly broke.
I only found out because he forgot his phone,
so I called his work and they said he hasn't been there for months.
Okay, look. The job market at the moment is incredibly volatile.
Do not PR me.
Relax. You're overreacting.
This is why he didn't tell you, 'cause he knew you'd panic.
What do you mean this is why he didn't tell me.
Money, it stresses you out, which is completely understandable,
but he was probably just trying to protect you.
Did you know about this?
Of course, not.
On my mother's grave, did you know about this?
Okay, he told me but...
Am I the only son of a bitch who didn't know about this?
How could you do this to me, you are my sister.
- (LINE DISCONNECTS) - Ruth.
Fuck.
Something's come up. We're going to have to do this later.
(SCOFFS) Later?
You've seen the pickup on this?
You wanna get ahead of the curve, this needs to go today.
You called me.
(SIGHS)
Get set up. I'll be back in an hour.
- Do not start without me. - Where are you going?
I just... I have to deal with something, but I'll be right back.
Do not say one word to her until I'm with you. Got it?
- Robyn... - I'm serious.
Read a book, get a coffee, play Jenga, I don't care.
But this interview does not happen without me present.
- We clear? - You're the boss.
Go.
Honor amongst thieves.
- Hi. - CRAIG: Hi.
You said there's a problem.
Uh, yeah.
Um, so, I was trying to print some stuff and it keeps...
Oh, ink's gone. I'll get you a new one.
- Craig. - Yeah.
I'm really sorry about yesterday.
It's fine.
No. I mean in the bar.
I was a cow.
It's fine.
- I get it. - Not really, and I wanted to see you afterwards, but...
Robyn suddenly needed to stay at mine,
and she's being all weird.
I think there's something going on with her, and I felt like I should...
Honestly, it's okay.
Because I don't want you to think I'm, like...
You know?
I don't.
So, do you want to come over later?
We could hit the Netflix.
I make popcorn. Like...
Proper stuff. I'll pop it myself and everything.
I can't.
Okay.
- When else are you free this week? Maybe we could... - Melody.
I've had a lifetime of being rejected in bars by girls.
I don't need a girlfriend who does it too.
I'll still fix your printer for you.
Have you heard anything from Robyn yet?
If I don't get Caroline an update soon,
she's going to start pulling my fingernails out.
IT boy cannot keep away, can he?
He's probably set up a webcam in the toilet, so he can watch you while you wee.
They're probably watching us right now,
cracking one out on their laptops.
Something stationary covered. Here you go, boys.
(SIGHS)
If you want me to like you, it helps if you laugh at my jokes.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC PLAYING ON TOY)
- Are you kidding? - I fucked it.
ROBYN: You left your phone at home.
What were you thinking? Are you trying to get caught?
Yes, well I'm sorry. We can't all be as good at lying as you are, Robyn.
Oh, piss off, Mark.
- I'm sorry. - Don't you dare.
Oh, Jesus.
Ruth. Ruth, open the door.
Roo, I know you're right there.
Just open the door, please.
Fuck off, Robyn.
- Just listen to me. - No.
No, I'm not going to listen to you. That is the one thing I'm not going to do.
I'm not going to let you twist this around
and make it all right because it's not all right.
Do you know why?
Because my husband lied to me.
(SIGHS) The man I'm supposed to trust, the father of my children
lied to me about our lives, about our children's lives.
(INHALES DEEPLY) And you lied to me.
He lost his job, and...
Do you think I give a shit about his job?
I don't care about his job. What do you think I am?
I'll go to work. Okay?
He can look after the kids for once.
- Ruth. - Do you know what kills me? Is that both of you...
Both of you, decided that I was...
What? Too fragile? Too stupid?
Too weak to be able to cope with knowing the truth?
Okay.
Do you know how that makes me feel?
It makes me feel like a fucking idiot.
So why don't you and he just fuck off
and let me give my children their fucking spaghetti hoops in peace?
Roo...
Okay, so we're going to have to give her a little space.
- Where am I supposed to go? - I don't know.
Go to a mate's, or the pub.
Or fucking bowling. I don't care.
- Bowling? - Oh Jesus, don't be such a baby.
It's gonna be fine, all right?
- How do you know? - Because it is.
You told a lie, that's it.
And the fact that it's such a big deal,
says a lot about your relationship. It means that you have high standards.
Most people lie every day. I can't even get through breakfast without lying.
You're just gonna have to give her time, to get over it.
Well, how long will that be?
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
As long as it takes.
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
Abigail Reese?
We were desperate.
Did you sit in?
I'm on my way there now.
You left Brooke alone with Abigail Reese?
Where are we going with this?
She's just emailed the story, says it's going live as we speak.
What? Motherfucker!
I need a ride.
Now.
How bad is it?
On a scale of one to catastrophic, I'd say we're in the high twelves.
ROBYN: Jeremy.
- I'm so sorry. - Was this part of the strategy?
I'll fix it, I promise.
I'm supposed to be leading a trip to the Thames barrier on Monday.
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
What the fuck is going on?
What to do? I don't know, I don't know. I'm just... I'm trying to do what's right.
What's right?
This can't go unpunished.
He didn't do anything.
I know, I know, but people think that he did. And what must that look like?
I'm a role model, Robyn. I have responsibilities.
To your family.
What happened to me is a very serious issue.
You had a fucking face-lift.
I pay your wages.
We had a plan.
Yes, and did you see what people were saying about me on Twitter?
You just had your husband arrested.
Oh, come on. He will just get a slapped wrist.
That's one other problem we face,
the sentences of men who abuse their partners is a joke.
Reese showed me the figures.
Of course, she did.
Robyn...
She says that I could make a real difference here.
I've already had three charities saying that they'd make me a patron.
This is serious stuff.
I could get a CBE.
There's drool running out of your mouth.
(SLURPS)
(EXHALES) Fuck it. Phyllis...
Look...
I'm sorry. This one was all me.
The Love-Wells marriage was none of my concern and...
Neither, to be brutally honest,
is Jeremy's well-being. That's on you.
Professionally, this has played out
surprisingly well for us.
Brooke's profile has gone through the roof.
Her puffy, fucking face is going to be everywhere and...
For that reason, I'm not going to fire you.
(SIGHS IN RELIEF) Thank you.
I don't care if you lie,
or send innocent people to jail,
or go around kicking away the crutches of polio-riddled children,
as long as you're in control.
This was out of control
and that concerns me.
We're not a one-armed bandit.
We don't pull the handle and see where the reels land.
My girls...
Do not get done over by journalists.
They are the monkeys,
we grind the organ.
Now, fuck off.
EVE: God, she's magnificent.
I hope I grow up to be like that woman.
Actually, nearly shit myself in there.
I'm sorry about today.
Don't sweat it.
It's actually quite refreshing not being the one who fucked up, for a change.
So, what's going on?
There's some...
Stuff.
And you want to talk about it?
- Nope. - Hmm.
Go fix it.
I'll sort out Jeremy's bail and all that crap.
Thanks.
(LINE RINGING)
VOICEMAIL: Hey, this is Ruth. Leave me a message after the beep.
(BEEPS)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(INAUDIBLE)
(DOOR OPENS)
ROBYN: There was this time,
- she was in 12th grade. - MARK: Hmm.
Ruth was always so brilliant at everything.
So smart.
- I was a moron. - (LAUGHS)
But we always knew that Roo was gonna smash it.
So, she's in her senior year and this new boy turns up,
Braden or Brandon or some other thing.
Eagles jacket, drove around his pickup like it was a Porsche,
- just bad news. - Ah. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
God know why but she just thought he was it.
Followed him around like a puppy,
would do anything he said.
Would lay down on the road for him.
Problem was he was totally toxic
and people tried telling her that,
that if she kept going she was gonna mess up her grades,
and her life and it was gonna be awful.
Dad was spinning out and Mom was...
Mom.
And so, they both put all this pressure on me
to talk to her and fix it.
But Ruth doesn't listen, of course,
because teenage girls don't.
And the more anyone said about him, the more she liked him.
So, what happened?
I fucked him.
Jesus Christ, Robyn. (LAUGHS) Why?
Because it was the only thing I could do
to stop her from going back.
And it did.
She hated me for months.
Couldn't even look at me.
But she put her head down, she got the grades,
and then one day it was just okay again.
I was protecting her,
because she's special.
And you were doing the same.
You're a good man, Mark.
(LAUGHS)
It's gonna be all right, okay?
What the fuck?
- (STAMMERS) No, no, I don't know. - What are you doing?
- You idiot! - Please, please.
- Why did you do that? - Robyn, just wait. Please, please.
Help me, Robyn, please. You have to help me.
Okay, that is the weirdest thing I have ever done
and I'm an absolute bloody idiot but I've got nowhere else to go
and you have to help me, Robyn, please.
Just help me, help me. Please.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Hi, thanks for this.
It's fine.
Hi.
- It's just for one night. I promise. - Of course.
Are you okay?
- You look like you've been crying. - (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
No, I'm fine. It's hay fever.
Okay. Well, I owe you one.
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
- (CAR HORN HONKING) - (GASPS)
(SIGHS)
(KEYS JINGLING)
(CHOPPING)
- Hey. - Hey.
- What's going on? - Cooking.
You're cooking?
Cassoulet.
(RELAXING MUSIC PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND)
I'm sorry.
- Yeah, me too. - Why are you sorry?
Uh, for everything.
Putting too much pressure on things, the baby stuff.
- You didn't... - No, wait, see, I appreciate it's been stressing you out
and, to be honest, it's been stressing the fuck out of me, too.
You know, the timing, my past, my smoking,
whether that's affected me,
am I shooting blanks, am I even ready, you know.
It's... It's all just been banging around in my head,
so God knows what's been going on in your mind.
And I just... I don't want to be that nice guy who's sitting at home
waiting for you with dinner on the table, that's suffocating you.
And, no, I understand that I've literally just cooked you dinner
which might be undermining my point
but what I mean is,
I'm not interested in being that thing
you feel you have to rebel against, Robyn.
That's not what I signed up for.
I'm in this because I thought it's what we agreed.
But I don't actually care,
any of that baby stuff, no, I don't.
(STAMMERS) I mean, of course I care, I do.
I... I want it but...
I... I want you, Robyn.
Okay? That is it.
And whatever that comes, whatever that means...
(STAMMERS) And if you don't want me, that is fine, too, you know.
I'll be fine.
But...
You don't have to escape from me. The door is open.
We're in this together or not at all.
Everything else is just gravy.
Gravy.
What the fuck is cassoulet?
I don't know. (CHUCKLES)
Jamie Oliver made me do it, the chirpy cockney twat.
(WHISPERS) Why not?
We're only young once.
Subtitles by explosiveskull